I spent 80% of my teens wanting to be more grown up. I turned 21 in the July and was engaged by the December2015, started a new job in the February 2016 & passed my driving test in the April. I was on the right track. Then everything hit me at once.
May 2016 – I started to get really dizzy in the shower in the morning, my body ached all the time. I knew something was up. Me and my body had a good relationship. We got each other and it was very obvious to me something wasn’t quite right.
I spent the next couple of weeks ignoring it until my fiancé finally said to me “Lyd, have you come on yet?” – it wasn’t until he asked me I started to think ‘when was my last period?’
I done a test. I done a test wrong. However the hell that works. I remember Joes reaction “oh well it hasn’t done anything must mean its negative”. Monday come around after a very confusing, emotional weekend with Joe and I remember being sat at my desk thinking ‘I just do not feel right, my feet are tinkling and everything’ I went out that lunch time and got another test. I went to the bathroom and took it. POSITIVE. It read Positive. Now I would be lying if I said I was instantly over the moon and we had been waiting and planning for this. Like I said I was 21 just started to feel like things were falling into place and all of a sudden my life just turned upside down. At work. In the toilets.
Ok. So I am pregnant. Could me and Joe really handle being parents? Is our relationship ready for this? Can we afford this? We still live 2 hours apart, with our parents… so many thoughts went back and forth between me and Joe, but one thing was certain – we were having a baby.
I never in a million years thought reading a little line on the plastic stick would make my thought process change so quickly. Now, I’m not going to lie or make stuff up. I was selfish. I still am a little bit. But I wanted everything for myself and I would (at that time in my life) never have thought I was ready to look after someone else. But it was like someone pressed a button and as that baby grew inside me so did my heart. I was all of a sudden obsessed with the thought of this baby. So I had finally processed the fact I was pregnant. Told my family and closest friends everything became very real.
I remember when I was about 18/19 I was obsessed with pregnant people, always loved the thought of being pregnant. Couldn’t wait to be pregnant. I didn’t expect id have been 21, more like 25 but it was happening now and I was excited to embrace it as I had always loved the thought of it ‘How amazing are our bodies that we can grow another little human inside our bellies?’ it really is just magical and amazing.
My gosh I was not ready for how hard pregnancy would be. Now physically I had a pretty straight forward pregnancy. I had some bad morning sickness from about 6 weeks till 16 weeks. I was throwing up in the bins outside tesco at 7.30am, all over my lap and stirring wheel as I drove down the bypass to work. I hated feeling ill. I remember one evening I just cried the whole way home from work because I was so hot in my car and I got stuck in traffic. I remember thinking I am actually going to pass out in the middle of traffic. It done my head in! But I guess that just comes with the job and our baby was growing fabulously (even though I didn’t necessarily show it) now, the next thing which really annoyed me about my pregnancy was my TINY TINY BUMP!!! I was so excited to show. I was so excited to have this little round bump and wear tight dresses to show it off. At this point I am a 21 year old girl, I am queen worrier, over thinking and my own worst critic. Trust me. I was 20+ weeks panicking about what to wear because ‘I just look like I have got fatter, you wouldn’t know I was pregnant’. All my clothes were getting tighter by my bump was just not there. I just looked like I ate too much bread. I honestly don’t think I showed till I was 28 weeks pregnant. So 28 weeks pregnant finally had a little bump – now I started panicking about ‘well do I look bigger than I should at 28 weeks? This isn’t all bump is it? It’s where I’ve been eating through morning sickness!’ LYDIA!!! clam down. I was so in my own head.
That was just the beginning. I was all over the place about everything. Remember I said I had a pretty straight forward pregnancy physically? Well emotionally was a very VERY different story (I would like to make a public apology to Joe and my Mum and also thank them for putting up with me) I have always been quite sensitive and emotional. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and have never had a very good poker face. If I am excited, you know it. If I am happy, you know it. If I am upset, you know it. If I am stressed and angry, YOU KNOW IT! And this is all prior to pregnancy. So lets just take the emotional over thinker and add a house move and 109,284,097 hormones, it was not pretty!! Like I said…sorry Joe! In the October of my pregnancy I had to take some time off sick. With this my paranoia got even stronger ‘will people think I am taking the Michael, am I being over dramatic’ but I remember feeling the further I have ever felt from myself. Why wasn’t I enjoying being pregnant? Am I a terrible person? It was not long until me and Joe moved in to our new home. I had reason upon reason to fill on top of the world. But I didn’t.
I happily say to people now, at the time I hated being pregnant, but then I felt like I could never admit that, I was way to scared. To the people closest to me it was pretty obvious.
31st December 2016 – not only mine and Joe’s 2 year anniversary but our due date. I was big, I mean unable to walk without backache, I couldn’t see my toes anymore big. Not going to lie the next 10 days just seemed like a blur so I’m unable to say much about it. All I can say is I remember going to bed everything thinking ‘tonight is the night’ then id fall asleep, wake up the next morning and still be pregnant! When I look back on it now, I wish I embraced it so much more. Not worry about all the little things and what people may have thought. I never needed to overthink half the things I spent hours stressing about. The thought of potentially having pre-natal depression really scared me, but it shouldn’t have. Its a lot more common than you think but like me a lot of women are too scared to admit it. The amount of aches, the pains, the sickness the anxiety and stress that we go through in those nine months, it Is no bloody wonder some women suffer.
I feel like how I dealt with my pregnancy (not very well) helped me mature in so many ways. I shouldn’t have put this pressure on me and my body to have this perfect, glowy, floating through life on cloud nine pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, there were lots of things I loved about being pregnant, when I hear people announcing their pregnancy or posting all their bump pictures I find myself a little jealous. Typically! And you could have been having the worlds worst day but when you lay in bed and felt that baby kicking about it, it was the best feeling in the world.
And the best thing of all it brought us our baby boy…
Finley Michael Charles Talbot
Born 10th January 2017 at 9.02am weighing 8.1ibs.
Thank you for reading,
With love, Lydia